So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Randomize
