I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
PANTIES FOUND
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