so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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