i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I looked at my own cervix.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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