i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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