sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
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