I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
