I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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