somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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