I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Randomize
