it hurts more in the daytime
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
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I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
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