How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
