woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
