I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
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we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
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Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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