New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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