In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Randomize
