Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
