I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Randomize
