I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
