If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
