Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
