I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
