looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Randomize
