I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Non-Jews are for practice
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
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