Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
