Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Randomize
