I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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