Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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