Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
