I should be sponsored by Trojan
He felt like a one man threesome
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
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