it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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