all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
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