no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
false alarm, still single
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
