sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
