i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Found your dick twin last night
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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