grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
