Have you finally orgasmed yet?
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
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