i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
