There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize