I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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