She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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