someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
