I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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