I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
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