you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Randomize
