I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
