and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
