i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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