I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
