Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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