It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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