Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Randomize
