My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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