dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
im having a threesome with these popsicles
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
She's the barista slut.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
