**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Someone came in the potted fern
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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