Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Randomize
