zippers are such a cool invention
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
